this is it guys, the last entry of my past life and times. future entries will involve the present, after all thats where we all are isnt it? we were living in the allegan forest, i was working at prince and driving a 4x4 pickup, i used to love to drive when it snowed, it looked like stars were coming at you, but the windshield always stayed dry. it was a dry snow. and when it was blizzard conditions, i would see cars on the side of the road, here i was a georgia boy, passing northerners who cant drive! well, i also had a little honda accord, it was old, but very good in the snow. i usually drove it when it wasnt snowing, or when Donna was going to stay home all day. i remember going to work one night (i worked graveyard shift) and i heard for the first time, nirvanna, smells like teenspirit, on college radio, which no one else listened to. i thought, how cool, im probably the only person around here that heard that cool song. a typical day for me would be wake up around 8 p.m. have a little snack, watch a little t.v. play with Julianna, help put her to bed, then leave around 10:20, to be at work a little early. at 11, we would gather round for a team meeting, and excersises. then take a break for 30 minutes halfway thru to have coffee and a snack. then go home around 7:30. this was my schedule before i went on first shift. a few times, i went out with workmates for a drink at 7:30 in the morning? yeah, this place we went to was totally windowless, and it was packed, you would think it was night. i didnt do that very often though. i usually stopped at the blue goose cafe and had some pancakes, or just went home for breakfast. i never did get used to night shift, i dont think anyone ever does. when i got first shift, i was elated to say the least. then, i would get off work around 3:30, and maybe stop at a stream on the way home and do a little fishin, or grab my crosscountry skis and go for some excersise, or go for a ride on my snowmobile, though it was very old (1973). 75% of the work force at prince were women. the conversations rarely strayed from the one thing that married women seem to like to talk about, and that is sex. dirty jokes, gossip about other friends or employees, things of that nature, i was usually courteous, but not involved, though i did laugh at their jokes . i was just so happy to be working in a clean environment with state of the art equipment. i did miss my sisters and brothers down south, and wished they could be happy for me and how well things were going. the congregation was very small, mostly the brothers were 65 or older. but there were some youth. one couple was really cool to hang out with. later, there would be a tragic accident that killed a very lovely young girl named mindy, and first on the scene was her fiance', she died in his arms. Donna had started a study with a lady who lived in a dump of a trailer with her boyfriend and her three boys, all of which had different fathers. the boys agreed to a study with me, all them and me at the same time. i was wondering how it would work, it would almost be like a book study. at the same time, i started to draw away from Donna even more, i joined a vollyball tournament at work, i spent as little time at home as possible (i didnt want to be around Donna, but i wont say more, i dont want to use this to "bash" her). she seemed to not really care that much. the boys were the most unmannered, tattooed, earpierced, dirty mouthed, boys id ever known, i wondered if they even cared about anything. one sunday i picked them up and we went to the meeting, it was so funny the way they dressed, pathetic, it looked like she bought them clothes at a thrift store, and picked out the worst possible clothes for them. and during the prayer they were all saying "amen brother", i was so embarrassed, yet giggled inside. everybody was looking at them. David was the oldest, the one the other two followed. he was the one always getting arrested. he was the one that seemed the least interested, yet the most likely to learn. he wasnt stupid, though he often acted like it. i wonder where they are today, in prison? dead? who knows. life would take a turn now, and this is where i get off this train. i want to remember things like campfires in the back yard, taking Julianna fishing, going sledding with the inlaws, playing cards with the inlaws, studying the bible with three hopless cases, splitting wood for heat, splitting wood for the mother-in-law, being involved in decisions at work, representing prince at GM and Chrysler assembly plants, moving into our first home, driving in snow, eating at the blue goose, playing golf for $5, snowmobiling, crosscountry skiing, and of course, whatching the braves go to the world series. all these things are fond memories now, gone forever, and i accept that. i hope you guys have learned a little something about me. i hope that you are proud to be my family.
THE END.

the time came when i had to make a decision. i gave national my notice, and they let me go on the spot, i had just gotten dropped off so i had to walk 10 miles home in the rain. i actually looked forward to moving again, another adventure. we loaded up the precis (i wont comment on the precis) and left for michigan, we would live at her sisters house for a while, then at her moms. i again looked for work thru temp service, though i started actually applying at factories too. i applied at a place called prince corporation. they make visors and headliners for cars. the place where you apply is like a fortress, including a fitness center which was more advanced than any fitness center id ever been to. so i applied about every couple of weeks. of course they recieved about 3000 applications per week, so i knew my chances were next to none, like winning the lottery i suppose. this was the most coveted job in the whole area. in the mean time i got hired at a slaughter house. when you apply there, you pretty much get hired on the spot, because there is so much turnover. its like a last resort. all the workers were mexican. i got my own knives and meat hook, hip hip hurray. the only good thing about the job was getting off around 3 p.m. everyday, but i was so worn out it didnt matter. we started to look at getting our own place. there is whats called a land contract, where you dont really have to have much credit to qualify. we found a property which advertised 5 acres with a trailer and built garage. it was right in the middle of the allegan forest, which is a state park. so there were crosscountry ski trails, snowmobile trails, mountain bike trails, and fishing streams accessible from the property itself. of course the trailer was nothing to brag about. and the road was dirt, no gravel. but other people were interested so we had to wait, and then wait for the real estate company to make a decision on who they would sell to. meanwhile, i had just about had enough at the slaughter house. i couldnt take it anymore, so one morning i told the supervisor that i cant do this anymore, so they put me in an easy job. i had to stick a "needle" connected to an air compressor, into the carcasses as they came by. the air would puff up the meat making it easier for the mexicans to make their cuts. once a day the FDA would come around and id have to shoot a sample of air into a tester to make sure there was nothing bad in the air lines. i know this is all fascinating. about a week of that, and i was outta there. so i sat home a couple of days wondering what i would do next. the temp service called, i was now working for a remodeling company. basically it was an old man that did remodeling. this was the most stress free job, kinda like the nursery job. i got to see a lot of homes that you just drive by and say "wow, thats a beautiful home". we got a call one rainy morning, a house that was on lake Michigan, they have steps leading to the beach, well the land which is constantly being "eaten" away by the elements caused the steps to come loose. so we had to tie a wench to the steps and pull them back until a later time when we would fix them. well this was a dangerous job. i though the old man was gonna have a heart attack, so i tried to do the brunt of the work. finally i felt usefull. we pulled the stairs up and tied them with cable to a tree for the mean time. a few days later would be my last day with him. i was hitching a trailer, and didnt pull my finger out in time, when i pulled it out the damage had been done, my entire nail was sticking straight up, it just popped out, i showed it to him and he just winced. he took me to the emergency room and that was that. i walked out of there holding up my middle finger, all bandaged up. now i was at home just wondering what i would do now, it would take some time for my finger to heal. i got a call from Jonathan Woods, he had just broken his ankle playing basketball, and needed someone to run his bussiness (which he had aquired from Ted). i told him about my finger, and said that i would think about it, but would need a few days to heal. i talked to Donna about it, i think she was a little nervous that i would not come back from Atlanta, after the way i had acted in the past. but i convinced her that i needed to do this, that i would save all the money and we could use the money to buy a place. of course in my own mind all options were open. if oppurtunity presented itself in Atlanta then i would move us back. i decided to do it. i rented a car, and with my finger held high, i drove down to Atlanta, i would stay at Jonathans place. my first day i was trying to work with my finger in bandage, but eventually it would fall off and i found that it was easier to just work with the pain rather than try to baby it. i used bandaids, i would change bandaids after every lawn job. a few weeks into this, sure enough, Jonathan offered me a partnership with him, and i had a decision to make, i talked to Donna about it over the phone, and she screamed at me. she said that the real estate company had called about the property we looked at, it seemed they were interested in selling it to us. i was surprised and intantly renewed my thinking on the matter. i wanted my own place so bad i didnt care if it were in Michigan or Georgia. so i declined Jonathans offer, he was dissappointed, but thanked me for bailing him out. his father also thanked me, he was most thankful. when i got back to Michigan, almost immediatly i got a temp job at a place where they make octogonally shaped buildings for the government and they basically screw them together on the job site, these buildings you see at pavillions, rest areas, city and state parks. all these people hated their life and their job. there was a welding building nearby where they did all the welding, but the supervisor was rarely there, so every time i had to go there, i would see the welders sitting around taking break they might have worked a total of 3 hours on a given day. but it was steady work. we got a call from the realestate company, we got the property if we wanted it. Donna was ecstatic. i was surprised and also very excited about it. a couple of days later i got a call from Prince corporation, you guessed it, i got called in for an interview for the most coveted job in the area. i couldnt believe it, Donna was jumping up and down, i was like, "its just an interview". i went on the interview. then a couple of days later they called again, i would have 6 more interviews in one day. at the last interview, the guy told me where to show up for orientation. i could hardly believe it, i saw the inside of the factory, it was so clean and organized. we moved into the trailer and i went to orientation, where we were fed breakfast and lunch catered. we went over all the benefits, it was all so overwhelming, they had a special room that looked like house of congress, just for this purpose. full benefits, retirement was put in by the company, not the employee. full use of the 24 hour fitness center, with indoor tennis courts, and olympic sized indoor pool. they had all sorts of aerobics classes, personal trainers, raquetball tournaments, vollyball tournaments, they really understood the importance of happy and healthy employees. even the factory itself was surrounded by vollyball courts outside and a softball field, and indoor full basketball court with locker rooms. we had full cafeteria style lunch rooms, or a more nearby break area where they kept the coffee fresh and plenty of high powered microwave ovens. we were required to take breaks. you pretty much have to do what your team does anyway, theres nothing you can really do individually, its all based on teamwork. and it worked beautifully. i started out on third shift which was from 11 to 7 every night. they put me on a launch which was a new product for a new model car, the skylark, grand am, and achieva. it was a mess at first, but with time our teams were functioning with efficiency, and we all played a part in making that happen, the engineers were constanly speaking with us asking questions, taking notes. a year went by and i was offered a first shift position on another launch (dodge intrepid, eagle vision, chrysler LHS). i couldnt believe it. first shift, a raise and basically a new job which fulfilled my need for change. i accepted, and the great thing about a launch is the planning stage takes about six weeks, six weeks of confrence room meetings, donuts, coffee, and team building excercises. i had the best job ever. they wanted to build a "dream team" so to speak, they took the cream of the crop from other teams and as it turns out, we became the dream team.

its been a month since my last entry. Arizona was amazing, but the thing was, we didnt know anyone and we both felt vulnerable, there was nobody there that really cared about us. it was kinda scary. probably the way Johnny felt when he moved to cali. well, eventually the money ran out and we had no choice but to leave. i went around some bussinesses asking people if they wanted to buy a camper, finally one guy said he would, i sold it to him for a hundred bucks, just enough money to get back to michigan. our adventure was coming to an end. the trip back was fairly uneventful except maybe runnin out of gas in texas at 5 in the morning in 30 degree weather. we moved back with donna's mom. i went to the usual temp service and got a job at worden furniture, making library furniture. this is when the whole thing happened with the guy getting beat up and me leaving abruptly after the super bowl. sorry i got things a little mixed up. i got so used to listening to country music working there that i started to learn the words to some of the songs. when i left michigan, i left the relationship we had, our relationship changed from then on. in florida i lived at shirley and pauls. but i had to work temp service again until i could get hired on at the lab. i worked in an orange factory stacking boxes. another orange company breaking up ice with a jackhammer. and a nursery which was my favorite job. it was a family owned nursery and the most stress free environment i had ever been in. i sort of hated to leave there. anyway, donna finally decided to join me and we moved into the cottage. it was a nice little cottage with its own driveway and back patio. i dont think donna ever really felt comfortable though. our relationship was changing, our dissagreements now turned into fights, shouting matches, i would leave then come back, she would leave. there was more bitterness and underlying pain now and it all came to the surface when we would fight. making stupid mistakes is normal for a 21 year old, but when your married these stupid mistakes affect others, thats why you wait till your older to get married. i suppose everyone thinks that donna was always at fault, but its not like that. i was to blame, i was the head of the house, i was the one who drove her nuts. one night when dad and everyone was down visiting, julianna had just been born and we were trying to sleep in the kitchen because the cottage had no heat. dad and everyone were playing cards in the dinning room making all kinds of racket, i didnt really think anything of it, i mean, i felt right at home, but the baby kept waking up and crying. donna had enough she ran into the cottage and left julianna with me, and i couldnt get her quiet. johnny went to the cottage to ask donna to come and see if she could get julianna to stop crying and she told him off. when johnny told me that, i was furious. i went out and saw donna on the porch and without hesitation pushed her down and accross the porch. i put my face close to hers and said with much anger "dont you ever talk to my brother that way again!" meanwhile poor little julianna was crying. what a mess. i was frazzled by the time dad was going to leave for atlanta. i dont remember what sparked it, but we were in the cottage when something was said in regards to me spending too much time with my family and neglecting her. i lost it, i cleared a counter full of dishes onto the floor. there were lots of dishes and it must have been loud because dad heard it. i think there was some debate as to who did it, everyone thought it was donna, but it wasnt, it was me. when i went outside, i saw dad and johnny and mom and johnny's friend in the car leaving, i said goodbye and dad looked at me with fear and pain, and said "pray to Jehovah joe, pray a lot". johnny was also afraid for us. i felt i was in a no way out situation. Julianna was only a few days old, when thanksgiving weekend came and i wanted to go to atlanta to play football with my friends. i debated it but donna said she would be fine with it, so i went. i dont know, maybe i was afraid i was growing up too fast, with julianna being born, i was feeling weird, strange. i wasnt ready to be a father, yet here it was, in my lap. she was only a few days old! i wish i could have that weekend back, i could have helped donna with our new baby, and really bonded with julianna. i was such an idiot, what man in his right mind would leave behind his newborn baby to hang with a bunch of morons. dad was right i should have prayed a lot.
the congregation was great, i was giving talks, answering, doing the subscriptions, working the literature counter. things were just starting to click when time came for me to move on again. i was getting ichy feet again, i thought about working with paul in his new bussiness, but i wasnt sure if i really wanted to do that, i was thinking of going back to michigan and maybe buying a place in the country. of course donna was all for it...

we traveled from atlanta to michigan, Donna wanted to see her family once more before going out west. we were going to live in Arizona, tucson. we stayed a few days in michigan got some rest and headed out west, through chicago where it was snowing pretty hard. we finally got to st. louis where the car broke down, fortunately there was a shop right there where we parked and got a room for the night. so the car was fixed the next day and we were on our way. the gateway to the west was real, there was a distinct cloud line which divided the east from the west, east being covered in cloud mass, west being clear. we traveled thru the top of texas and for the first time i saw some mesas. going thru new mexico, there were many mesas and beautiful and color, driving time went fast, there was so much to see. we made it to the northern tip of arizona and headed south. we went thru salt river canyon, it was breathtaking. we got pulled over and the cop helped me to find a good campground just outside of tucson. it was late at night when we got there. we picked out a campsite and put money in the box. we set up the tent and i coudlnt get over the stars how beautiful they were, later after we were asleep, we were awakened by the sound of a thousand coyotes. it was unnerving at first, but then realized they were farther away than they sounded. the next morning i stuck my head out of the tent and looked at a towering mountain range, we didnt see it at night, what a site. we went into the town of tucson and found a campsite closer to town, one that was just outside of town in the dessert which is what i wanted. i looked for work in detail shops and car washes. we went to the kingdom hall. we met a brother whose life was ruined in a car accident, he was engaged, had a successful bussiness, had everything going for him then one day it was all gone, he was in a bad accident and became brain damaged, almost a vegetable. he lost everything, including his fiance' he was now working at a car dealership washing cars. it was so sad. life is so delicate and unnexpected things sometimes happen without warning. i got a job at a detail shop, but they didnt always have work. the job market was very bad. we found a little camper trailer for cheap and put it on the campsite. the coyotes sang every night.

Donna's asthma was getting worse. someone actually suggested that we try living in Arizona. well, of course i considered it. i talked to an elder about it and he said go for it, he used to be a hippy. so we decided to try it. we would save as much money as possible, then sell all the furniture, pack everything into our little corolla wagon and just go there, camp until we found a place to live and jobs. we were excited, of course dad was very concerned, in fact he didnt like the idea at all, we didnt have much money to go on, or a place to live. i didnt really see the big deal, i learned it from him. in a matter of a couple of months we had sold everything and were ready to go. someone had a going away party for us and they got us a carrying case for the top of the car also some knives in case we got attacked by wolves or something. i gave Ted a notice and we were off two weeks later. if you think about it, it was crazy, we had like $1500 and an ' 81 corolla. anything couldve happened. no place to live out there or jobs. and so the adventure began...

okay, back to the story. we showed up at Donna's moms house. i noticed that there was lots of snow and i thought, what am i doing here. her mom opened the door and we said "were married" she said "you crazy kids!" and let us stay there with her and her other daughter. it was a trailer on a few acres of Michigan forest. the first thing i did was go to the manpower temp force agency. they had a job for me right away. i was new at this temp thing. i didnt know that they would just send you anywhere like right now. so i showed up at this atmosphere processing plant. basically you take auto parts off the conveyor belt and they are piping hot, i had to wear three pairs of gloves. the guy told me to stack them in an orderly way, so thats what i did. when he came to check on me he was like wow, you actually did what i said. i didnt see what the big deal was. then i had to shovel small parts out of a furnace into a bin, the guy said "all you need for this is a strong back and a weak mind!" i thought, great. that afternoon, everything stopped. there was no more work, the furnaces shut down, the supervisor said to me that there was no more work for me, but that i was one of the best temps he had ever seen and that he would ask me back when needed. i though man, all i did was follow intructions and keep up with the conveyors. back at the ranch i helped out around the house, splitting wood, fixing broken fences, wrapping pipes under the trailer. other temp jobs were, at this place preparing trucks with loads for farmers, a construction sight, library furniture making, i stayed there for a while. this one guy used to say before he would go to the bathroom "dont monkey with the machine okay, dont monkey" i was like,whatever. there was this little guy with long hair and a beard that i used to work with, he had been talking about his new girlfriend. one day he came to work with his arm in a cast, broken, broken jaw, black eyes, blood in his eyes, mouth all swollen. we asked what happened. he said "you know that girl i been seeing? i met her husband last night." he was a pitiful sight. these things were common up there, seems that everyone had a secret life on the side. things at home were getting a little tense with Donnna's sister living there. the night of the superbowl, she kept letting these stray dogs in the house and they crapped on the floor in the living room right in front of me, so i asked if they could go out and she didnt respond, so i let them out. then she let them back in. i realized that i was not the head of the house, her mom would have to do something, and and she wouldnt, so i told Donna "Ted has offered me a job in Atlanta, after the game is over, were leaving here. she didnt want to come, it was too spur of the moment. so i packed up and left without her, after the game. i still remember seeing her standing in the window crying. i left her there. whatever possesed me to act in such haste, ill never know, maybe lack of experience, maybe my father in me. i think i stayed at mom and dads for a few days, then lived at the Hills house until i was able to get an apartment off Lake Harbin road. Donna did come down when i got the apartment. i was back with Ted, and things seemed to settle down for the moment. we were back in our old hall, and a good book study. things were fine. i guess i just didnt know how to leave well enough alone...
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alot is happening in my life right now. there was a girl, i was blind. i couldnt see what a beautiful person she was until it was too late. its the sadest love story i have ever known. when i got over Donna, i thought i was invincable. i thought that i would never let another woman get close enough to me to hurt me like that again. and so i got just close enough to women to get a little enjoyment out of them, then i moved on. when i met Sarah, i figured she was just like all the rest, a heartbreaker, an emotional wreck. she came to the emissions station to get her car inspected, i had never met her before. i thought she was pretty so i talked to her as i usually do when a pretty woman comes through the station. as we talked i found out that she was Lane's cousin. so this was the cousin that he was telling me about. she was nice, but i didnt really think much of it. i wasnt looking for a relationship, i was looking for a non relationship. and so that was that. months later i saw her at one of my parties. it seemed that nobody was talking to her, so i sat next to her and spoke with her, i noticed her laugh, it was a pleasure. after that, again i didnt really think much of her in a getting to know you better type way or anything. then maite said she was going to get tickets to see George Winston, and wanted to know if i could think of anyone that i would want to take, and i said, how about Sarah, she seems nice. im still not sure why i said that, it just came up into my mind. i suppose part of me wanted to see her again. we met at the bar before the show, we ordered wine, she liked white wine, and i the red. we had dinner with Maite, Tim, Shirley, and Steve. it was nice. then we went to the show. i thought it was odd that she met us there on time, and that she really seemed like she was having a good time with me. even after seeing the ugly car that i drove. after the show we all went to a coffee shop. from there we went home. it was nice, but i still wasnt feeling anything other than she was a friend. i didnt want to get involved, too complicated. sometime passed and she called, wanting to get toghether again, so i suggested that she meet me at a coffee shop after my meeting. i went but i didnt expect her to show up. but she did, we spent just maybe a half hour toghether, and i didnt realize till later how far she had to drive just to meet me there for just a short while. still just friends. sometime passed, and she called again, this time i suggested that we go to a movie and then dinner. we went to the dollar theater and i had a great time, for some reason i can still hear the reel of the film turning, i could sense that she was happy to be there with me. after the movie we went to red lobster, we shared a drink at the bar, then sat down to dinner. she ordered crab legs and i was surprised that she wasnt bashful about eating in front of me, which i thought was really cool. afterwards, i asked myself "are we dating or something?" i thought, nah, shes just not more than a friend to me. time passed. i got another call from her, this time it was a trip to Savannah, memorial day weekend. i told her that i would think about it, she really insisted that i go with her. she wanted to get together before then, but i didnt call her until the day we left for Savannah, i called her from work and said "are you going to ride with us?" and she was like "uh, yeah i guess so" she had figured that i wasnt going. when we picked her up, i saw her place and it was so cool, she looked so calm and happy in her own environment, i felt at ease. that night i met her mom, she made sandwiches for us. the next day we had breakfast at her moms. then went to the beach. we spent the whole day together. i started to notice that my defenses were starting to drop, it was scaring me a little. i started to take notice of how the wind blew softly her hair and her soft brown eyes reflected a certain color in the sun. i had never looked at her that way before. that night at the party she looked amazing. she is a great slow dancer, she floats. i wont talk about what happened after that. i had a choice, pull her toward me, or push her away, i chose to push her away. i regret it. i will live to regret it, probably for the rest of my life. ill never know what could have been, ill always wonder. as far as what i did to her, she'll never look at me the same again, what we had is gone. its the saddest love story ill ever know. so, i go on, live and learn, i tell myself that there are reasons for what happened, but that offers little comfort. the natural progression of things would have been for us now, right now, to be talking on a daily bases, to be getting closer, getting to know each other, letting each other into each others lives. that natural progression was interrupted in a way that ill never forgive myself for. i grew close to her over the weekend in Savannah, and now i must detach myself from that closeness. its a hard lesson, but one that i needed to learn. my tears will not fill the void i feel right now.